An Idle Boast


I've drunk toddies, tequila and Tizer
In the taproom at Clacton-on-Sea;
I'm the bastard of Wilhelm the Kaiser
By Rosie O'Neill of Tralee,
And I've called Rupert Murdoch a miser
In the middle of afternoon tea.

I've lost count of the rhinos I've ridden
On the banks of the Oxus by night;
I discovered where Lucan was hidden
(He was parked in a barque in a bight),
And I found fifty quid in a midden
After painting The Marble Arch white.

I was triple jump champion of Turkey
In a fez that I filched from a Greek;
In a hospice in old Albuquerque,
I was clinically dead for a week,
And I introduced Pinky to Perky
While I practised the art of batik.

From the book Rime Present

(after ‘Banjo’ Patterson)