Dew-Eyed Anthem Man

Oh my old Queen's the Monarch
She wears the Monarch's mules
She keeps cor-blimey corgis
And she owns the old Crown Jewels
She looks a proper bwana
In her great big ballroom gown
They cut her civil list in two
So she gave them half-a-crown

Oh my old Queen's etc.

One day whilst on a walkabout
She passed a man in floods
She gave a wave and asked if he
Was one of Nature's duds
"Ma'am, Woodhead is my name," he said
"I'm OFSTED's head, boo-hoo!"
She cried, "How like Pinocchio! -
And I'm a puppet too!"

Oh my old Queen's etc.

[June 1998]

From Labour Pangs

There were several calls to replace the National Anthem, although Chris Woodhead, HM Inspector of Schools, claimed that the song moved him to tears


(with apologies to Lonnie Donegan)