Your Country Needs You


Where’s there’s muck, there’s brassed-off,
Where there’s milk, hard cheese.
Let’s have a rural blast-off:
Joan, come and visit, please.

Here the beds are bright and tidy,
With milk-white pillows plumped,
And the bus calls every Friday
Once the fridges have been dumped.

Our approach to play and work’ll
Help swell your lungs with pride,
And each modified crop circle
Is fresh with pesticide.

Think Emmerdale, think Grundy.
Prepare for our fairy dell, come:
No fox is shot on Sunday.
Your countryside. You’re welcome.

[March 2002]

From the book Make Mine A Double

A new government initiative to market rural areas was launched by Joan Collins. Its slogan was “Your Countryside, You’re Welcome”