Say It With Flowers

If you want some slap and tickle,
And you feel she's acting fickle,
Whack her with a rusty sickle -
But don't forget the daffodils.

Any woman who refuses,
beat her till the lifeblood oozes -
But trade some tulips for her bruises.
A little kindness never kills.

Why not show her you adore her?
Rip her underwear and paw her.
Then nip round to Interflora -
In a trice she'll call a truce.

If a judge is lame or lazy,
Chop his heart out like a crazy,
Then provide him with a daisy -
He'll be bound to let you loose.


From Tony Blair Reminds Me of a Budgie

Sentencing David Vaughan for indecent assault on a woman, Judge David Griffiths remarked: "If you had had the courage and good manners to say you were sorry and sent a bunch of flowers, all would have been forgiven." The sentence was to pay the victim £500. The judge suggested she spend it on a holiday - or give it to charity.